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miércoles, 17 de marzo de 2010

Douchebags ['duchas vaginales']

More specific:
Species Name: Patheticus Oblivious
If you’ve ever thought about going postal inside an Abercrombie and Fitch, you are not alone.
The scourge of modern society, THE DOUCHEBAG has plagued mainstream culture for far too long and there seemingly is no end in sight.  THE DOUCHEBAG is an elusive creature.  Not due to an advanced form of intelligence, or any intelligence for that matter, but instead due to complete sense of obliviousness to the world around them.    You can’t turn around nowadays without seeing some douche nozzle sporting a popped collar, an ever so slightly tilted baseball cap, and a shit eating grin on their face that says, “Yeah, I’m awesome.”  Well guess what asshole, you’re not awesome.  In fact, you are the antithesis of awesome, and I wish you would just die already…in fact let’s imagine that you did die…Hell, lets imagine you all died…
In a world where THE DOUCHEBAG has gone the way of the dinosaurs:
  • The stocks of Ed Hardy, Affliction, Axe Body Spray, and any proprietor of pink polo shirts plummet.
  • Tribal armband and Chinese symbol tattoos revert back to those who are in an actual tribe or are Chinese.
  • The percentage of orange-tinted meathead oompa loompas walking around is greatly reduced, which is a relief, because frankly, you’re scaring the children.
  • The word “bromance” will cease to exist in the English lexicon.
  • The only acceptable use of a “Calvin pissing” car sticker would be if Calvin happened to be pissing in a DOUCHEBAG’S open mouth.
  • If we’re lucky, we might be able to kill two birds with one stone, making fraternities extinct as well.
  • Men at the gym will go back to focusing on working out, instead of telling their douchebag brethren how “shredded their pecks” are.
  • Dane Cook will die a lonely death because no one will find him funny anymore.
  • Fewer inanimate objects will be harmed when there is no one left to punch them when they get angry.  “ORANGE HULK SMASH!”
  • Bluetooth headsets would only be used when driving.
  • Nickelback and Creed would never have played any venue other then their mom’s basement.
  • Long Island will return to it’s natural, uninhabited state.
  • The word “gay” will never again be used in a derogatory way, especially when watching UFC.  Irony…
  • Men will never again purse their lips in a photo while throwing up a horizontal peace sign.
  • Criss Angel, Spencer Pratt (and his flesh colored beard), and Joe Francis will somehow miraculously be spared from the DOUCHEBAG genocide only to spontaneously combust on national television for the whole world to watch…now that’s good TV.
Sounds like an ideal utopia…but alas, with the massive amounts of hair product and the protective layer of self tanner coating their entire body, THE DOUCHEBAG will probably manage to survive a nuclear holocaust like the cockroaches that they are.
But one has to have dreams right? 

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