To Catch A Predator

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In showing the myriad ways in which men soliciting sex with a minor online are caught, this is a how-to guide for pedophiles on how not to get caught. Host Chris Hansen offers the following tips for safely prowling the interwebs for preteens:

• Don't reveal your age at first. If pressed, lie and say you're 17 or younger. And no, stupid, don't use that screen-name containing your birth year.
  • Relatedly, if you are chatting with an alleged 13-year-old girl and have already told her that you are 52, and "she" continues to IM you incessantly asking when you're going to come over and have sex, then you are either chatting with a troll, a vigilante justice group, the police, or Chris Hansen, as there is no 13-year-old in the world who will willingly fuck you. In this case, you should say something like, "Just kidding, I'm actually 14 and am just playing around LOL!!!!111" and politely try to end the chat. Don't block them entirely, however, as this may come across as suspicious. If they keep pestering you, just maintain that you are 14 years old (4 rlz lol!!) and continue chatting with them as if you were, in fact, 14. For added kicks, complain about how there are so many child sex predators prowling the interwebz these days. (If it's a vigilante justice group you're chatting with, then they may even offer to hire you!)
  • Also, if you're over the age of about 45, then -- let's be honest -- you aren't going to get any teenage tail. You'll have to date via legitimate means. If you're between 30 and 45, then you'd better have one helluva sharp physique and basically look like Jude Law or Matt Damon if you hope to actually have sex. If you're aged 18-29, then shoot for an Edward Cullen look.
    • On a further side-note, while it's true that about half the men caught on To Catch A Predator are crusty, middle-aged perverts who would never have any hope for teenage tail in the first place, the other half of them actually do look young and fit. The latter half might actually have been able to seal the deal with a 15-year-old if they'd played their cards right, been somewhat more vigilant, and not walked into this show's trademark trap.
• Make no explicit references to sexual acts, sexual accessories (like anal beads or condoms), or genitalia. If you are asked whether you want to have sex (or perform any particular sexual act), then deflect the question or simply say 'No'. If it's a vigilante group, then eventually they will realize that you just aren't going to take the bait, and they'll lose interest and stop pestering you. If it's an actual teen you're chatting with, then your apparent purity will earn some trust which may allow you to eventually make contact.
• Do not send any sexually explicit imagery of any sort, even if asked. This is used as evidence later in prosecuting you and can harshen your sentencing.
• The vigilante groups will often try to talk on the phone with you beforehand to establish intent and (unless you were stupid enough to tell them your real name & address) determine your true identity, with which information they may later arrest you at your home. Refuse to talk on the phone. Insist on video chat. A real teen will be open to the idea of a video chat, while the vigilante groups obviously can't do that because they're a bunch of ugly adult slobs. But also be aware that they may hire actresses to video chat with you.
  • If they say something like, "I prefer to talk on the phone before video-chatting," then it is probably vigilantes and not a real teenager. Video-chatting is more anonymous than the phone, and most real teens are aware of this. Your phone number provides information as to where you actually live, there's a risk that your parents will pick up, and calling is one means of stalking. In contrast, when you video chat, unless you've told the other person where you live, they have no way of knowing. You can video-chat directly without the risk of your parents picking up, and if the person is a creep then you can just block them. Vigilante groups are probably so stupid that they think that teens should/would avoid video chat, but in fact real teens will prefer to use video chat. And so should you! If they do argue about it and insist on the phone, explain that you're afraid that THEY'RE a child sex predator, so you'd prefer not to give them your phone number, seeing as sites like anywho.com offer free reverse look-up services.
  • Another advantage of video-chat is that you can confirm that you are, in fact, talking to a teen.
  • And no, you pervert, I don't mean the sort of video chat where you take your clothes off and masturbate to the web cam -- just a video chat that is otherwise like a phone conversation except with video.
  • Note that most true teens will be open to video-chatting with you almost indefinitely, like for 3 hours at a time. In the unlikely event that a vigilante group actually hires a teen to video-chat with you, then they aren't going to want them to do it for very long -- maybe 10 minutes at most.
• If video-chatting didn't fly, then at some point, you may need to perform a troll-scan to figure out whether or not this is the real deal. You have to ask the target things that a 33-year-old vigilante just wouldn't know and, more importantly, things that a person who is reasonably adept with the internet couldn't just figure out using Google.
  • Try to be as tricky as possible. For example, if your target claims to be a Jonas Brothers fan (and actually, this fact alone should tip you off because the Jonas Brothers are explicitly pro-abstinence, but let's just say the Jonas Brothers as an example), then check the schedules for their recent tours. If your target lives in the same region as you, then think of a concert venue where they could reasonably have played a concert, and see whether they have ever played there. If not, then say something like, "Oh, did you catch their concert at X venue?" A real fan would know that they've never been graced with a local tour stop, so if they say, "Oh yah, totally!!!11" then you've caught the troll red-handed. If, on the other hand, they say, "I don't think they've ever played there," then it might be the real deal, and you should continue with the detective-style questioning.
  • Likewise, think of something that didn't ever happen with the band, and casually mention it and ask what they thought about it. A real teen will know that that never happened, while a troll will casually go along with it. "What did you think about when X band member got a mohawk?" is an example. (Obviously, you would need to do a bit of research to make sure that this did indeed never happen.)
  • You might also try boning up on the Twilight mythos, since every true teenage girl is bound to be either a die-hard fan or a hater -- but in either case, they're going to be very familiar with the work.
  • Basically, just keep on casually posing questions to test their knowledge of their supposed interests in subtle ways.
• If things reach a point where you think you can set up an encounter, then you need to do things in such a way that you won't be arrested -- or, if you are arrested, so that it won't be possible to charge you. You need to make it look like you were not going there for sex, but just to hang out.
  • In setting up the meeting, do not -- even tacitly -- suggest that the purpose of the meeting is sex.
    • The obvious question this raises is, then how will I even know if I'm going to get some? Well, you don't, really, but your chances are good if you've already hit it off online and had positive video chats, and now you're invited to their home to "hang out."
  • Do not bring anything in the way of condoms, dildos, beer, marijuana, etc., as these can be used to prove that you came with intent to get a 14-year-old high and then fuck them -- very illegal behavior. Obviously you won't be able to have full vaginal intercourse without any condoms, but there are worse things in the world andvarious ways of working around that.
    • Do bring things like a chess set, DVDs, a Nintendo Wii, photos (like of things other than your cock, such as vacation pictures), sodas, a pizza... you know, stuff that doesn't indicate intent to have sex with a minor, but just normal stuff you would take to a play date with a friend. There's nothing illegal in principle about hanging out and playing Wii with a minor. As long as you aren't soliciting sex, you could go out on a fucking date for all the law is concerned about.
  • Now, if you've done everything I've said, then it will be difficult to prosecute a case against you. Still, though, you need to be careful in making initial contact. A real teenager is going to be a little shy and awkward. With a real teenager, you will knock on the door, wait for about 45 sec, knock again, wait another 30 sec or so, and then finally they answer the damn door and let you inside. If, on the other hand, they come to the door before you've even had a chance to knock, and they wave to you yelling, "Come on in! I've made brownies!" then rest assured Chris Hansen is waiting for you inside that house, rehearsing his various catch-phrases. If you've already stopped your car and have approached the house, don't just turn around and run, as that is very suspicious behavior. Pretend like you're somebody else entirely and that you stopped to ask for directions. If they badger you in saying, "I know it's you!", just say you have no idea what they're talking about -- obviously this "friend" of theirs just looks a lot like you -- and maintain that you stopped for directions only. If they won't give directions, then just say you'll ask their neighbor, or that you'll check your map or whatever, and leave.
    • Some of their other child actors won't really give you any face time -- they'll greet you and open the door, but as soon as you start to approach, they abscond into the house. No non-actor would just open their door to someone they've never met in real life, then just leave it open and yell out for your to "come in and wait by the counter." Just stay outside and say, "Um, yeah, I just wanted to ask for directions," like you have no idea what's going on and are somewhat surprised by their chummy behavior. If they don't come back out, just shrug and say, "Well, I guess I'll just ask your neighbor, then," and leave.
      • For maximum lulz, see if you can spot the police van, go up to it, and ask THEM for directions. (Like to McDonalds or something.)
    • Just in case it is a sting and, despite all your best efforts, you are arrested, it would be a good idea to have, in advance, made sure there was nothing on your computer which might suggest that you are a person of a disposition to have sex with minors. Following this guide, you're giving the authorities very little evidence by which to charge you, so they may want to search your PC for CP, if you get my meaning. If you have any amateur pornography on your hard drive which may be mistaken for something illegal (along with certain varieties of hentai porn), it could help to delete all of that in case of a possible search warrant. But if you played your cards right, then this shouldn't be a concern at all. Hell, as far as anyone can tell, all you're going over there to do is play Pokémon and watch Dana Carvey DVDs. You don't even necessarily need to set this up when the parents are gone. If you're polite enough with the parents, you might even gain yourself a 16-year-old girlfriend with her parents' blessing. If she wants to fuck, just tell her to fuck guys her own age until she passes the age of consent in your state.