Vulva fragrans

The Irresistible Scent of Vagina  by Aranya Tomseth

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Love the smell of box, but don’t have one of  your own? Well, don’t despair, because Vulva “original vagina scent” makes it possible for anyone to breathe in the sweet, sweet stank of poontang anytime, anyplace.

The makers of Vulva are adamant about the fact that their product is not a perfume, but rather “a feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure.” Potato, pha-ta-to. The long and the short of it is that it’s a fragrance that smells like vagina, and you rub it on yourself. Some might call it “perfume,” some might call it “portable pussy musk,” and others (us), might call it “really fucking weird.” What you call it is unimportant. The point is, this isn’t a product featured in Zoolander—this shit really exists.

Encased in a tiny glass vial equipped with a roll-on applicator, Vulva is designed to be used whenever the fancy for a quick whiff of twatid strikes. It even comes with some helpful graphic instructions:

“The vial is shaken gently….only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand….and the irrisistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head.”

Guido Lenssen, the man behind Vulva, has divulged that the fragrance is a mix of “urine, sweat and female arousal.” Guess that explains the “slightly yellow” bit. It also explains Vulva’s creepy promotional video:

According to the makers of Vulva, it took “many years of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure” to re-create and bottle the essence of eau de va-jay. Needless to say, we would kill to get a tour of the Vulva laboratory, especially since the Vulva scientists (if only we’d known that was a viable career option when we were younger) are currently in the process of developing new products. Two new vaginal scents, Eighteen and Exotic—a.k.a. the smell of barely legal muff, and the smell of non-Caucasian muff—are in the works.

In the meantime you can learn more about Vulva on their website, which has the very interesting URL, www.smellmeand.com. But just so you know, you’ll have to click on a tab that says, “Yes, I am 18 and I enjoy “juicy erotic” to access the site. Don’t worry—we didn’t know what “juicy erotic” was either, but it sounded like something we would enjoy—kind of like the smell of vagina.